This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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