after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
