I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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