I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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