How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
