If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
