thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
