can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
