I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
