Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
