omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
