seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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