chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
