I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
