you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
