I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.