It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
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it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
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Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.