K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
