Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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