Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I pour the whiskey from now on
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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