Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
