Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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