and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
All the doctor said was why
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
