Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
