You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you never un-have a 4some
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
