How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
