no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
