She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
