Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
