Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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