I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
