My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
