Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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