literally had 100 drinks last night.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
