I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
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