Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
