he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
