I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
