FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
