i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
