Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
