drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
