if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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