Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
