I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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