theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
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I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
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I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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