He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
whose ass print is on the piano?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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