So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i think my cat just said my name.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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