Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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