all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
