I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
