yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
