I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
