We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
