We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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