Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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