"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
