No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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