Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
